Horoscope for the Day
by Insane Rice of the Cosmos
Summary: Crackfic and now a twoshot. Sideswipe finds a song on the Internet...that perfectly describes the day he's about to have. Songfic.Forgot who the song was by.
1. Horoscopes

I was hanging with my TF crazy friend/Mentor Kyle, when he brought up this song.

Now, I'm just making this up as I go, and I have no idea when the Autobots and Decepticons were created, but just bear with me, ok? I'm trying as hard as I can to match the personalities to the Transformer.

-

Aquarius  
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus  
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Sideswipe poked his head into his Twin's room. "Hey, SUUUUNY! Guess what I found on the internet!" He announced happily.

"Not now, you red annoyance, I'm busy!" was the curt reply.

The yellow mech was bent over something that he found interesting. He was disassembling what appeared to be a human's Children's game. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Figuring out how to play this game. I MUST KNOW!" he snarled, trying to delicately pull it apart as Sides read the box.

"Whack-A-Mole?"

-

Pisces  
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus  
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Ok, so Sunny was busy. Maybe he could bug Arcee. Yeah, that would work.

As he sauntered to her room, he caught sight of her…dancing?

"Uh, Arcee?" he asked, causing to jump. "Holy crap, Sides. You scared me. I was just dancing."

"I can see that. Guess what I found on the internet?" he said. "If it's music, can I dance to it?" she responded.

"Yeah, I'll make you a copy. I'll see you later." He grumbled.

-

Aries  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

"SIDESWIPE!" The red Lambo was tackled by Chromia.

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" she snarled. "How dare you!" "WHAT DID I DO?!" he asked loudly.

"You stuck A FREAKIN' WATERMELON IN MY SUBSPACE." She snarled. "What? No I didn't. Not this time." He stuttered.

"Alright then, who did it?" she asked, then froze. Spinning around quickly, she snarled, "TECHNA!" and stalked off..

Sideswipe shook his head. Things were certainly strange today. It was just like in that song he found…

-

Taurus  
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

"Uh, Ironhide?" Sideswipe said, walking into the mech's office and tapping his shoulder. "Do you think-?"

He exploded in the mech's face. "GET OUT YOU LITTLE FREAK! CAN'T YOU READ?!" Apparently, he hadn't seen the sign that said, "STAY OUT. BUSY." on the door.

Sideswipe was booted out of the room and was flying across the hall, when he crashed into a panicked Optimus.

-

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

-

Gemini  
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence  
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

"SIDESWIPE! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! SHE'S GONE NUTS!" Optimus shook the mech in a frenzied manner. "OH CRAP!" He ran off, screaming like a little femme, as Elita came, holding a javelin, and screaming a war cry. "GET BACK HERE, YOU CHEATING AFT!" she screeched, "HOW DARE YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE?!"

Sideswipe blinked. Today certainly was…interesting.

-

Cancer  
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud  
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

He was going to bother Wheeljack, but when he got to his lab…

"Uh, Jack? Why are you lying in a puddle of random mud?" he asked the prone mech. No response.

Shrugging, he went to find Bumblebee. Maybe he could explain this craziness.

-

Leo  
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no  
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

"What exactly are you doing?"

Sideswipe had walked in on Bee sitting on the photo copier. "Photo copying my skidplate." He said calmly.

"Yeah…" replied Sides, sweatdropping. "I'm gonna go."

-

Virgo  
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you  
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

"What the-? STARSCREAM!"

"Yeah, hi." He said distractedly. "I'm hiding in here until Megatron calms down. Don't tell anyone who's looking for me." The Seeker promptly ran into a supplies closet.

The red lambo blinked. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON TODAY?

-

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely  
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have  
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,  
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions  
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have  
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

-

Libra  
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

At that moment, a groaning Barricade rounded the corner. "Have you seen Starscream?" he asked. "Megatron sent me to find him."

Sides shrugged. The mech wandered off, muttering, "Primus, my internals hurt…"

-

Scorpio  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window  
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Frenzy skittered around, muttering something, when he went too far down the hall and fell out of a window, screaming. Good thing they were several stories up. The base was on a cliff, you see.

Sides didn't even want to know.

-

Sagittarius  
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

"THOSE SLAGGERS." Megatron was storming down the hall, muttering. "YOU! Autoscum! Have you seen Starscream?!"

Sides shook his head. Megatron stalked off, muttering, "Talk about me, will they?!"

-

Capricorn  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying  
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

"That's it. Today's too random." Sideswipe stomped into his room, and locked the door.

-

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)  
That's your horoscope for today

-

Holy smack. That was random, even for me. XD Happy Halloween everyone!


	2. Ratch can fix!

Yes, it was suppose to be a oneshot, but now it's a twoshot! And did you guys notice Ratchet and Jazz weren't in that last one?

Ratchet: Geez, I take one day off, and look what happens!

Jazz: Tell me about it.

* * *

"Uh, Jack? Jaaaack…Get up, damitall!"

Ratchet promptly kicked the recharging Inventor in the side. A groan, and Wheeljack sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "That was a good nap…" he murmured, wiping the mud off his face. "I guess I shouldn't try pulling any all nighters again, eh Ratch?"

"Obviously not. I request one day off, and this place goes to pieces!" Grumbled Ratchet. "I have to fix everything around here, don't I?" He stalked off.

"Have fun, Ratch. I'm just gonna…" The inventor didn't even finish his sentence. He had fallen into recharge, head down on his desk.

-

"Bee! What are you doing with those papers?"

The yellow spy jumped, then said, "Nooooothing." He promptly ran off, papers flying everywhere. Ratchet picked one up and laughed slightly.

"Ah, so he finally decided to play with my photo copier. I'll turn him into a blender." He said in a good natured voice.

-

As Ratchet stomped down the main hall, he noticed something that was never there before. A sign that read, "DANGER. ROBOT MOLE CROSSING."

" 'Robot mole crossing'? What on Cybertron-?" But just then, a rumbling came from and his question was answered.

Several robotic moles, all the size of dairy cows, came thundering by, yipping in an odd language, that Ratchet barely recognized as Cybertronian. He could understand a little of it. The one at the front was yelling, "Flee, my brothers! The Yellow Crusher is coming!" Ratchet was wondering what the hell they were talking about, when the answer came yet again…in the form of Sunny.

"You cannot escape me and my GIANT HAMMER O' DOOM, SILLY MOLES! Come meet your destruction, foolish metal mammals!" Sunny was bellowing this and more as he ran after them. He stopped in front of Ratchet, carrying a giant mallet type weapon. "Hey Ratch. Wanna play 'Whack a Mole'? It can be up to four players!"

"Erm, no thanks." The Medic said, sweatdropping. "Ok. Your loss. Now where was I? Oh, yes. My evil laugh." He laughed evilly and charged after the unfortunate moles.

Ratchet didn't even want to know.

-

There seemed to be a massive amount of crashing and loud music coming from Arcee's room.

When Ratchet poked his head in, he spotted Jazz…teaching Arcee how to do a strange dance.

"And that's how you do the Electric Slide, my protégé." He said contently. "Now remember: DDR in 5 minutes, 2 rounds on expert, then we'll call it a day until tomorrow."

"Gotcha. Oh, hey, Ratchet." The femme waved at the bemused Medic in the doorway. "I was wondering where you were yesterday."

"Just taking a vacation. Jazz was on vacation as well. I'll see you around, you two."

-

"Chromia? What's Ironhide doing?"

"Getting over what the humans call a 'Mid life crisis'." She shrugged as the mech went about the Shooting range, blasting through targets faster then usual. "Poor bugger. He was so down yesterday."

-

"Ok, what are you guys doing in my Med bay?!"

Shift looked up. "Barricade's internals were busted up yesterday, and since you never lock your door, I decided to take care of him here." A groaning Barricade lay on the metal slab. Shift cuffed hin slightly. "Shut up, the worst is over, you sissy!" she hissed. "Anyway, Megatron left already, with Starscream's head on a stick, but I'm sure he'll be fine. As for Frenzy, well…" she nodded at a small pile of twitching parts on the table. "We managed to scrape most of his internals of the jagged rocks below your base, but I wouldn't be surprised if I missed something."

"Hey, wait a sec. I ALWAYS LOCK MY DOOR!" shouted Ratchet. "The red twin gave me a key card. He hasn't come out of his room since yesterday, you know." Shift replied smoothly.

-

"Sideswipe, get out of there."

"No." was the defiant reply.

"I can blast the door down, right now, if you want."

"Try it, Hatchet!"

BOOM.

The door hadn't budged.

He'd need Optimus, Sunny and Hide for this one.

Speaking of Optimus…where was he?

-

"YEEEK!" A loud femmelike scream came from down the hall. Ratchet ran over to see Optimus dive behind the Medic. "RATCHET!" he said, voice in hysterical pitch. "THERE YOU ARE! YOU HAVE TO STOP HER SOMEHOW! SHE'S CRAZY!" He was about to ask who was after him, but, like the rest of his questions he asked today, it was quickly answered.

Elita was advancing on the pair, snarling, "YOU AFT! GET BACK HERE!" Taking the matter of trajectory and the rate that the enraged femme was advancing upon them, he tapped her lightly on her head. She seemed to twitch and shook her head. "Oh, hey, Ratch. When did you get here?" she asked, sounding politely confused. "Why am I holding a spear? And why is Op hiding behind you?"

Optimus could only stare at the Medic. "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"Training, experience, and a whole lot of luck, Optimus." Replied the Medic, smiling.

* * *

So that's it, mates. Hope you liked it, and with a whole lot of luck, I'll keep writing crackfics like this one. So long as I have support from reviewers, I don't think that'll be a problem.XD 


End file.
